At the time that I wrote this, it was only yesterday that I experienced the Light and Sound Alchemy Meditation, but I’d taken the time to talk some or most of it through with a few select individuals: Titus, Lyndsey, briefly my coworker Chris (who often has random, but good insight–but who chooses not to take part in the magic world), Mommy and Kekoa.

• Titus’s reaction: I am excited for you to begin your awakening. Fuck. Yes. Do. It.
• Lyndsey’s reaction: You knew this already. And also, is your needing to re-claim your own name why you’re so hung up on names when you deal with the spirits? (harkening back to the issue with the full moon offering they requested)
• Chris’s reaction: If you know your new priority is yourself, why are you still here? Quit and go on your journey already!
• Mommy’s reaction: You shouldn’t go looking. Just be you, and be human, and serve others.
• Kekoa’s reaction: You are creating this precipice, but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you choose to live a different life than the one that the universe wants for you today, that’s your choice and that’s okay — you have other lifetimes to live that life. Do what makes you happy. Live the life that you want to live.

I’d say that everyone’s reaction was exactly what I would expect. But I still needed to use them all as a sounding board, not only to hear their opinions and to reconfirm my expectations but also to talk through how I feel about all that’s going on.

Kekoa may be right that this may not be as big a decision as I am making it out to be. My life doesn’t have to be all or nothing, black and white. I tend to live in greys anyway, and balance is definitely that perfect mix of black and white or whatever various shades in between.

I don’t have to walk away from my current existence in order to become, do I? Surely, some things will change and be sacrificed for the other… but in all honesty, I want to know that part of me that seems missing. Kekoa said that maybe the feeling I am having is not about wanting to know what I don’t know, but really, wanting to return to something I have known before.

I think he may be hitting the nail on the head with that thought. Maybe it’s less about becoming and more about returning.

Originally written on June 15, 2017.