At the recommendation of Titus, I reached out to an old acquaintance, Michael Tengan, whom I haven’t really communicated with in 8 years. Over the years, he’s found his spiritual path and among other things, leads people in light and sound alchemy meditation at Light Alchemy Hawaii, with his wife.

I didn’t know what to expect when I walked in yesterday (at the time I wrote this, yesterday was June 14, 2017). I didn’t know how much to tell Michael about my current path — you know, I struggle with the “what if they think I’m crazy” thing for non-believers, but I struggle further with the “this is what I know my purpose to be, these are the messages I’ve been delivered, this is how I’ve been doing it, these are the gifts the universe has given me” when I speak to most others who are believers living their spiritual truths. It’s like, I’m afraid I’m wrong or I’m afraid to be judged.

Michael put me at ease, though. He explained things to me, delivered messages to me, spoke truths I know in my heart but deny in my head, and then allowed me to deliver messages to myself via the Light Meditation.

For me, the Light Meditation acted as a catalyst for connecting with my higher self. The messages I received are primarily from this higher self and for my particular meditation, I focused on the word and vibration for CLARITY.

Here’s what I learned from my conversation with Michael, and then I’ll go into the messages that I got from myself.

When I shared what I thought my purpose to be, “to return magic to this world,” he absolutely agreed. Michael then asked a series of questions, the hows and with whoms and how longs. I spoke to him of serving the gods and goddesses and “intelligences” of the universe; how it can be thankless; and how, really, I follow instructions when I receive them. I said that I am here to bring back to the lips of men the names of the powers that created the universe.

And then he said something that I found shocking, but I knew in my heart to be true. As he talked about finding his own path, he talked about finding one’s own balance — how, when you are truly accepting and walking the correct path, there is a feeling of synergy and fulfillment. Something, at this time, I don’t yet have because I have not yet accepted that I am not here to serve others.

I am others.The “intelligences” I have been serving are not those that blow me away or overwhelm me with their power and strength. I am not below them. I am at the same level as these beautiful beings and in some cases, I am beyond them.

When Siva told me never to bow my head when I pray, it is because there is no reason for me to prostrate when I am an equal or a higher being.

When Lyndsey says I am the Avatar or Darth Vadar, I am… something like that.

When Leah and I used to joke in college that I am… we are… unhuman, we are.

And when I know the truth of something, I cry. And so I fought back tears as he said that, and I knew in my heart that he was speaking the truth, and my mouth said, “I know, but I can’t understand. It’s not fathomable to me that I am something of greatness.” We spoke of not only acceptance but of worthiness. Worthiness. This might have to be my next meditation because if you know me, you know that I often will deny myself things or put others before me because I have self-doubt and self-esteem issues.

At any rate, perhaps I should transition to the messages I received during the meditation. As I mentioned before, I am clairaudient, which means I hear things in my head, more or less, so needless to say that when the Light Meditation allowed me to connect with my higher self, most of the messages were delivered as words in my head… clear as day… with a smattering of visual stuff.

Here’s what I had to say to myself, in no real order:

• You have lived so many lifetimes. The life you lead at this moment is not the life you are intended to lead — it is meaningless as it is.
• You must become. You must accept. You must open your third eye, fully and forever. No more peeking and squinting and closing. OPEN YOUR EYE.
• Shaman. Priestess. (Some word in another language that I assume means something similar to those 2 words.)
• You are powerful. You must not bow to any. They must bow to you. You are not here to make offerings. You are here to accept offerings.
• You are not here to return the names of the “Gods” to the lips of men because you have forgotten your own name. Learn your name and you will learn your own story.
• If you trust, and let yourself become, you will not need to work. Being is “working.”
• You are the light in the dark.
• You will bring balance
• You will bring magic back to this world.
• Something about religion that I didn’t quite get– I don’t know.
• It’s okay to have children if you want.
• The job you have is worthless for you.
• You have all the knowledge you need. You know what you need to do.
• MAKE THIS JOURNAL PUBLIC. You cannot be your true self if you are embarrassed of it. 
• Trust in your truth. Your truth is truth.

Visually, here are the images I saw:

• Two types of birds. Not in the same scene. One, small. No other discerning features. One big, dark — maybe black — long beak.
• A row of bullets and one long bullet. Different kinds. Different metals.
• A dragon.
• The word Thankful in a blue wooden frame.
• The shape of a man – but every time I tried to focus on him, the image would shift away, so I don’t know who or what he was.

And that was it. That was a lot.

I was able to have a short conversation — a debriefing of types — with Michael after the meditation. I would have liked to have talked longer, but he had an appointment and we had already run overtime.

The clarifications he was able to give were:

• The messages I received were clear and perfect, exactly what I needed.
• The birds represented freedom more than anything.
• Dragons are older than creation. Powerful beings. They will play a large part in the work I do.
• The row of bullets deal with alchemy.
• Trust in my truth.
• Yes, learn my name. I am more.
• And more than anything: accept my gifts and the gifts from others. Whether it’s a compliment or a present, ACCEPT IT. This is part of my role.

And that’s that. I have a lot to process and he said that over the next few days, I will continue to receive messages from myself. He recommended that I journal the experience and the messages.

Guess it’s a good thing I started this journal a week before I experienced all this. There’s the universe, again. Guiding me in the right direction.

You’ll see that my first post to this site was on June 17 — just 3 days after this meditation and 2 days after I wrote this.

Originally written on June 15, 2017.

UPDATE, 11/8/2017: Please read my post about Mansa Devi. It makes so much of this post SO MUCH clearer.