One of the things I’ve been really struggling with is trying to find my “place” in the spiritual community. I look at websites of intuitives and healers and fortune tellers, my friends and acquaintances among them, and they all seem to have something that speaks to and works with humans– with this mortal existence.

I don’t read tarot. I’m not a spiritual intuitive who can help bring clarity to other people’s lives. I can do reiki, but I’m not exactly a healer. I don’t lead meditation. I don’t understand astrology. I can’t read palms. I don’t understand gemstones. I don’t cleanse homes or offer to take care of spiritual “hauntings.” I am not a medium, although I do communicate with the dead. I don’t seem to have anything to offer my human colleagues. And I feel very out of sorts with that. Not that I can’t learn to do these things; I can, but it doesn’t feel like I’m meant to in the way that others do.

It feels lonely.

Lyndsey tells me it’s because I’m not meant to serve humans in this direct way. That it’s okay that I’m different. And I know she’s right, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like there’s a missing connection.

I do think that the universe tried to show me that I do have something to offer humans, if I choose to, shortly after I started to feel this loneliness. I was at an event with some of fencing friends and I massaged some of them — using some of my own energy to help identify where they needed work. And one of them spoke to me about having never experienced a massage like that before — she said it felt like it was more than moving the muscles around, that she felt like there was something spiritual about what I was doing. I’ve never spoken to her about anything spiritual before; she’s not that type of friend. But I think that was the universe saying that if I want to help humans in such a direct way, that I already can if I want to. I do have healing touch, I always have, and can choose to use it in this way if that’s the type of connection I want.

And I think that I do want to have that kind of kinship with my fellow humans (although Lyndsey insists I’m not hooman, so no worries). But is my gift less of something that I can put on a website that feels like a familiar offering to other spiritual folk? Or is this not about being familiar because the role I am in is for a very different purpose?

Just some things to think about.

Originally written on June 16, 2017.