2018 Sakura in Wahiawa

Recognize and Release

When I wrote about the Super Blue Blood Moon, I focused on the ritual. The ceremony. The what I did and the how I did. I wrote about the physical ingredients that helped me to honor the big, beautiful moon. But I didn’t write about the why I did. The reason in my heart that brought me before the full moon to ask for its help. The intention I held and the goals I had my sights on.

A reminder that full moons represent completion, bringing things “full cycle”; honoring and then releasing the old and the past to give space for a new cycle. And so, with this full moon, I asked that it help me honor, then release past hurt and heartache, baggage, karma, and self-judgment from this life and past lives.
For me, I couldn’t do this without first being very real about who I am.

Searching for Love and Acceptance

In this life, I have struggled with self-love. Since childhood, I have looked in the mirror and hated every hair on my body. My imperfect eyes and teeth. The softness of my body. I admonished myself for being smart. For being different. For being me.

I have also struggled with family. Throughout my childhood and into my adulthood, I often sought and did not find the love and acceptance I was looking for. My relationship with my stepfather was strained at best. My relationship with my mommy was loving, but always on the brink of misunderstanding. My daddy was generally supportive but constantly presented me with situations he wanted me to accept with grace — that I couldn’t. I felt that despite getting a fantastic education and continuously climbing the corporate ladder, I was still the black sheep of my family. I was never good enough and could never be what was expected of me.

I’ve learned that in my past life, as Mansa, I also struggled with self-love and family. The stories I’ve read and know in my heart to be true tell the tale of a daughter whose step-mother could not accept and love her, so much so that an aspect of the step-mother gouged out Mansa’s eyes (leaving only her third eye as her guide). It speaks of a father who could not love his daughter out of respect for his wife. And of a pantheon and peoples that could not accept this being as the Goddess she was.

Let Me Let Go

With all of this in my heart, I came before the Super Blue Blood Moon and asked that its energy shine upon this great history of hurt — self-imposed and otherwise — and help me be grateful that it has shaped me into the being that I am becoming — and help me to let it go so that I can give myself the space I need to fully come into that being.
I asked for the bravery to forgive my family, in this life and in past lives — but more than anything, the courage to forgive myself. To fill myself with compassion and understanding for all the moments I was recognizing and releasing.

I wrote earlier:

To give yourself the time and space and courage to honestly look at your past hang-ups and hurts and forgive yourself and give yourself permission to be as you are — these are all things that can be daunting.

And they sure are daunting, but the Super Blue Blood Moon was a catalyst for me. The boost I needed to help me move beyond the hurt and suffering, transcend the me that I’ve allowed the past to define, and let a new cycle of growth begin.

And I’m ready to let it all in.

Not to say that by actively releasing this energy at a once-in-a-lifetime lunar event has helped me “get over” everything. No. But it sure has helped the healing begin. It sure has given me the opportunity to get real with myself, and with Siva and Parvati — who I’ve finally begun to truly address as my parents. And it sure has made me realize that I can only grow if I give myself the space to do so.

So now that I’ve started clearing away the clutter, let’s see what comes into this new found space I have in my heart.

 

6 thoughts on “Recognize and Release

  1. I have known you since high school. I know you have been misunderstood by both your peers and family. You have shared with me both your happiness and your sadness – you are definitely not someone who can be generalized easily. I don’t know why I felt compelled to visit your website in 2018 – who even has personal websites anymore, right? Growing up, I know many have thought you were broken and shattered inside, but I always felt quite the opposite. I always sense that inside you was a spirit that raged with conflict. With that said, I wish you happiness, but most importantly inner peace and the temperament and honesty to love thy self.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right that most people don’t have personal websites anymore. This one is not yet a year old— an outlet for personal healing and growth. A semi-public (mostly private) way for me to be real with me — and open about myself with others.

      I don’t know who you are, but thank you for deciding to reach out to me, to share your perspective, and more than anything, to extend your well wishes. I appreciate it and am hopeful that one day I’ll achieve those goals you’ve set for me. Sending lots of positive energy your way.

      If ever you want to share your identity with me, perhaps there’s an opportunity to reconnect.

      Like

      1. Oooooh. 😱Thank you for that hint. I wasn’t sure of where we stood and I’m happy to think that our friendship is still there and hopefully, can be rebuilt. 🤗 I hope that wherever you’ve landed, you’re doing well.

        Like

    1. Lunch. Yes. I don’t know if you still have my number. It starts with a 4. Text me? And if not, email me so we can exchange numbers and plan? My name at gmail. I’m sincerely happy that you decided to reach out to me. Like, really.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s