I can think of people and moments throughout my past that played various roles in leading me to where I am today. We’ll get to the “where I am” part later. But I want to thank these people, because I know that the experiences we shared were important in my making the decision to accept the gifts the universe wants to give.

Brad S. Thank you for sharing the book, The Beautiful Side of Evil, with me. I know the intent was to push me away from the “dark side” by exposing how “evil” can come in the form of good. You wanted to save my soul. You heard the voice of Sita, one of my guides, during that time and you told me that it frightened you. I’m sorry for that and for your good deed turning out to have pushed me further into the “abyss” than closer to your God. I want you to know that while you may not think so, I am as much doing God’s work than the Devil’s today. This a good thing. And that the book you shared did teach me to be careful and to not be misled.

Dayton O. Thank you for showing me your darkness, while I clumsily tried to figure out how I felt about “darkness versus light.” You always trusted in my “gut,” my intuition — especially when I didn’t trust it. And your ability to do that showed me that there was something to my intuition that wasn’t just my insanity. I know now that my story isn’t one of opposition — this is not darkness versus light. This is darkness. And this is light. By now, the darkness has likely truly consumed you. There is nothing wrong with this. But know that light lives on the same spectrum and is attainable if you choose to seek it.

Bunny H. Thank you for the long talks in the dark that reawakened the spark of magic in me. Your Wiccanness loved me and made me feel safe to share the bits and pieces that I’d kept hidden for so long. And I think that when we, you and I, predicted 9/11 one week before it happened, that there was a special unspoken bond formed that bordered on self-awe and guilt. While we never really spoke about that moment again, I know that evening, sitting on the wall, listening to the waterfall at Mount Holyoke, was profound and made me realize that there’s a power at work that didn’t just affect my small little bubble. We had tapped into something that was so much bigger than ourselves.

Leah Tioxon. You have played an enormous role in my becoming whatever it is I am becoming. From introducing me to reiki, to being the messenger of my mission, to inspiring me with your dedication, to allaying my fears when I don’t know what the fuck, thank you. While our paths are overlapped and intertwined, they are also so very different. I will come to you again and again in this life and the next — and I know that you will always be one of my spirit guides who cannot walk beside me, but can surely nudge me along when I need it.

Amber Banks. Now Avaka Draka. You are my reiki master. I never made it past a level 1 attunement because I felt that I hadn’t earned the right to move beyond it and because I always felt that if I were to ever transition further, I’d want you to be the one to lead me. Thank you for opening my eyes to the energy of the universe. While healing is not one of my main purposes, I know that the skills you taught me will be with me forever and will protect me through my journey.

Kekoa. You are ever my protector, from the spirit world and from myself. You have watched me transition from someone who was running away from the gifts the universe was giving me, to someone hesitantly and cautiously trying to embrace it. Thank you for supporting me in all my levels of anxiety through this process, for always bringing your logic into this — because contrary to what many might think, logic is oh-so-important in a spiritual journey — for loving me and encouraging me and grounding me. Our path together will get more complicated, I’m sure, but I have every confidence in the love we share.

Lahiwai. You are my sister not just because I’m dating your brother. Thank you for validating my insanity. Sharing in it. Reveling in it. Understanding it. Taking part in it. I am so grateful that I have your ear and your love; that even though you will judge me and my musings and my mistakes and my confusion — you will accept me and support me to the best of your ability. Your path is becoming more apparent the further I walk down mine. I don’t know where your journey is taking you, but I am hopeful that we’ll get to travel and learn and grow together.

Annie K. You were an unexpected twist in my journey. We still don’t really know each other, but what is apparent to me is that I was meant to meet you. While I hemmed and hawed about whether or not I should accept and embrace the gifts the universe was giving me, you wholeheartedly dove headfirst into accepting and embracing your own gifts. You listen. You seek answers. You try. You harness. You learn. You grow. And while I see your path as having nothing to do with mine — there are no dangers on your path other than that you make yourself and you otherwise have nothing to fear — I know that the universe brought you into my life as an example of how it would like me to be: dedicated and unquestioning of the guidance it gives. I am learning to trust more and more, but I know that the road I walk is not one without dangers and I will continue to be cautious. Thank you for continuing to show such reckless abandon for the spiritual world; I know that I will look to you as a reminder that what I have is a gift and not a burden. I will need that reminder often in the future to come.

Lacie and Jason Tagomori. This is a funny one. Lacie, as the one in the couple that has sensitivity to the spirit world and to energies outside the obvious, thank you for trusting in me as a confidante when you are faced with your own challenges. And thank you for the listening and encouraging you do when I come to you with my own challenges. But for all that exchange, I think that what your husband, Jason, has done for me is evermore important. Jason, you who believe but are otherwise insensitive to the nuances of the spirit world with the exception of chi — you believe in my experiences, you ask questions to help me more deeply understand my role, and you told me to write down what I am going through. I thought it was a weird thing when you said I should blog about it. I thought when you made that suggestion that it was so others could read about my insanity, but here I am, journalling not for others but so I can bring myself clarity. Thank you.

Lyndsey. Pretty much you drive me crazy because you are like my personal assistant as I go through this transformation. You deliver all my missed messages, make sure I got that “voicemail” I had purposely not listened to when the universe called, and try to schedule shit into my calendar because the “thingies” say to do it. And I resist. And they resist through you. I am not Darth Vadar. I am not the Avatar. But I know that you also speak the truth when it comes this stuff. That when you tell me the path I am on is important and the tasks at hand will “save the world,” so to speak, that you are right. And when I get discouraged, you are there to make sure that I don’t stop believing (you like that Journey/karaoke reference?) and that I continue ever forward toward my… destiny? And so, thank you. I think. 😉

There are so many more people who have made an impact on me as I make my way, but the ones I list above were all people who knew me before I accepted my duties and had a direct impact on my choice to accept. You all helped in my becoming.

Originally written on June 11, 2017.